Archive for the ‘sausages’ Category

Well, we’re into the second half of my (not daily in the slightest, sorry) A to Z blog thing, and we’ve reached O for Oddbods. I honestly thought I’d have given up by this point, but here we are.

In pondering what I could write on the subject of oddbods, I decided that rather than write about the various weirdos and loonies that I encounter on the interwebs, i’d throw the floor open to them and write something based on their suggestions…

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Hello you, wok’s going on?

Hahahaha. Sigh…

Here is my review of the Ozeri 12″ Green Wok. I’m sorry for that first line, I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t think my Monday morning coffee has kicked in. So, yeah. Look at this picture while I compose myself.


Who would win the World Cup if it depended on their National Sausages?

That’s the question posed by The Great British BBQ, as they celebrate the World Cup in the best possible way: by comparing each competing nation’s sausages and seeing which is the tastiest, meatiest and most flavoursome of all the sausages.


So, how does the English Lincolnshire Sausage fare against the might of the Spanish Chorizo or the German Bratwurst? See the excitement unfold in awesome 2 dimensions as the fixtures are updated daily, and the winner can ultimately be crowned as El Sausegeo 2014. Although why someone would put a crown on a sausage is beyond me. To be fair, I’d just eat the sausage. (more…)

Suppose I should have mentioned this sooner, but I have written a book. Well, I say ‘written’, I mean I’ve been through this blog, copying and pasting the juicy good stuff, neglecting the self-indulgent shit, shoving it all together into a fancy bit of ebook.
It’s been up on amazon (search ‘fudgecrumpet’ and it’s the only result, which is cool) for just about two weeks, and after a brief spell in the bestselling kindle book chart (#96 for just over an hour, making it briefly more successful than Comedy Dave from Radio One) it now dwells around #11,000. But I suppose that ain’t half bad considering I’ve self published and that.
Oh, regarding that, a fair few folk asked how to go down the self publishing on amazon route, you can find all the info, free apps for conversion and that at .
So, yeah, I’m currently indulging in some nagging of twitter celebrities, which no doubt will have no effect. Which is annoying, as I need to sell at least another 240ish books before Amazon will send me a royalty cheque. y’know what, you’ve read this, maybe you could nag your friends to buy it. I’m not going to ask you to buy it though, you’ve already put enough effort in reading this bumph. Just tell your mates that it is awesome, promise them blowjobs and that if they buy the thing. Obviously don’t promise to perform the act yourself though, perhaps help them to find a slag in a nightclub. Or, if they’re a girl, promise them shoes. Shoes are like blowjobs for women.

And so, yeah, right, that was a bloody rubbish advert for my book, wasn’t it. Sorry. I can assure you it is good. Really.

Here’s a link if you find the “search amazon for ‘fudgecrumpet’ too bloody complicated. Or you’re just skimming this post and not really paying attention…

PS. Reading my old blog posts instead of buying the book counts as cheating. Fortunately, nobody has worked this out yet. Don’t tell them or I’ll never sell another pissing thing.

Well, I say ‘random’. I don’t think it’ll be anything unexpected. Probably knickers, food, boobs. The usual stuff that people think about on twitter. I really shouldn’t have used the word random, because when someone describes themselves as ‘random’ in their profile it kind of insinuates someone being wacky or hilarious, when really it just implies that they could be talking about anything, boring or otherwise. Envelopes. See, that’s random, but you didn’t find it very funny did you. Well, you did, but only because it was in the context of a being in a hilarious blog post. Anyway, you see my point? Do you? DO YOU???

Aaaaanyway… let’s see what the twitter people have been suggesting I blog about…

@friesnshake – #fudgeblog knickers

Ah, there you go, first of the block is knickers. I was really expecting ‘boobs’ first but knickers is a perfectly good and predictable choice.

I don’t really like thongs, because I don’t like seeing ladies’ bottoms eating their knickers. Besides, a decent pair of knickers is easier to pull off with your teeth without having to bite down and taste anything that’s done flossing.

So. Knickers. Next…

@Narcotic_Thrust – #fudgeblog Sausages

A food one. Ok, I like Sausages, they are my favourite tube based food, better than frubes and an empty toilet roll full of haribo. Although the latter is a good place to hide haribo, it’s best to make sure the toilet roll tube hasn’t been taken from a really stinky toilet. My favourite type of sausages are those ones that taste a bit tomatoey, but they don’t seem to do those as much nowadays. I’m not really keen on the sausages that have lumps of apple in them, because that seems like a bit of an evil plot to sneak fruit into my food. And apples are bad. Read the bible. Maybe.

@Banner29 – #fudgeblog Grapes

Another food one. Maybe I should have asked for suggestions just after lunch and then folks’ subconscious wouldn’t be obsessing over food. Anyway, I do like grapes, they are like sweets. but on a twig. Is the twig that has grapes on it wood? I can never quite get where the wood ends and the fruit begins. The same with apples, (which are bad, see above) is the stalk of an apple wood or is it apple? Are there any scientists investigating this? Why not? Oh, they’re busy curing cancer. Alright then.

Ah, the suggestions have died down… Just sent a tweet to wake them all up and hopefully they’ll suggest something good. They’re quite good that twitter lot, when they’re not obsessing about followers, celebrities or x-factor. They do like to have their say about x-factor, be it taking the piss out of the acts (I admit to have watched x-factor purely for this purpose) to getting very cross because people are talking about x-factor and ignoring them or something.

Ah, look they’ve woken up…

@MissSorbet – #fudgeblog Cattle 🙂

Ah, well I think I just covered cattle in that x-factor rant I’m sure. Or is that sheep. Are sheep cattle or are just cows cattle? I’m not a farmer I’m not supposed to know such things…

Anyway, I think all cows should be renamed Beefs, and then there’ll be none of that ‘where does meat come from’ ignorance that leads to kids going all vegetarian and crap. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a vegetarian, it’s just bloody daft. Meat is lovely. Especially in a sandwich or with supernoodles.

Ooh a well thought out one next…

@chaosgerbil – #fudgeblog where you love of Transformers came from and where you would like to see the next film go 😀

Nice to see a laughing smiley at the end of that. Although really this habit of not giving your smileys noses is really annoying. How would you like it if I took your nose off? Exactly. You’d be the butt of everyone’s pisspoor ‘how does he smell’ humour. Anyway, if I stole your nose I’d give it back soon enough, probably by revealing that it was hidden behind your ear all along.

Anyway, I likes Transformers because 1. they are cars and jets and such. 2. they are robots. 3. i was born at exactly the right time to be brainwashed by all the advertising and hype surrounding the first tv series and comics and 4. they look better stood next to my telly than a vase or some sort of doily.

As for the next film, well it can’t be worse than the last one, can it? I’d really like to see less of the ridiculous human nonsense (which was fine in the first film, as it added tension to the previously unseen robots but was unneccessary and clumsy in the sequel) and a lot more robot on robot action (which was the only time the first and second movie shone), however I’d also like to see a bit more effort made on the filmmakers’ part in reducing nameless robots/cannon fodder to a minimum and actually giving us robots with identifiable characters. And I use ‘characters’ broadly, basically I want to see more than unnamed drones popping up to get shot.

Otherwise, I’d just like to see it in the bin. Or on my DVD shelf gathering dust, because I’m a completist with a penchant for a fancy transforming box.

Well, that wasn’t a very funny bit of blog, was it. Shame on you, gerbil.

Right, the suggestions have dried up. Bugger, the blog post has ended on a downer…

Ok, let’s end it on a high…

here’s a poem I am just going to write…

This is my funky funky blog,

It smells a bit like a spunky dog.

Not spunky in the sense of being covered in spunk,

just a dog that seems to be one with the funk.

If you like my blog, please tell your friends,

and if you go scuba diving, please don’t get the bends.

There, happy now? Blog complete. end of line.

Oh, and noone suggested boobs. I’m disappointed, as I was going to use that as an excuse to look on google. Ah well. Next time maybe.

Fin. (French for finished. I wonder what the french is for the word ‘fin’, like on a fish. Probably ‘le finish’ or something. Probably not. Oh look I’m going on and on, and I’ve already said I’m finished twice. Right I’m off. Really should end these brackets too.)

There. Done. Piss off, I’m busy.