Archive for the ‘twitter’ Category

I am the news…

Posted: Dec 15, 2012 in Fudgecrumpet, guardian, news, pope, twitter

So, yeah, I was news this week. Nothing important or anything, just mocking the world’s most famous vicar (after Father Dougal)…

Click this here —-> Linky

Oh yeah. Take that Popey. That’ll have him crying into his funny hat.

To be fair, I’ve tweeted much funnier tweets. Still, you gets what you pays for, and I’ve not been paid. They should pay me.

Oh, and no, the pope didn’t reply. Not even a LOL. Miserable sod.

Stick that in your Pope and Smoke it
Fudge vs Pope Round 1
Mass Effect IV
Don’t Stop Bibleieving
Pwned the Pwpe
Pontifex cakes are not liquorice

Because everybody has a timeline full of ‘Robins’…

So, Twitter is under attack from a rampant wave of horny spambots. What should we do about them? Bitch and whine? Be all grumpy and ask twitter to get rid of them? Or take the piss in a useful way…

Yeah, I went for that option. So, without further ado, I present BOT TRUMPS!
(On a serious note, you can use the cards to quickly identify the spam bots when they pop up on your follower list, if the garbled name and claims of slagginess aren’t dead giveaways)

So, print them off, ideally onto some stiff card or if you’re fancy onto paper then laminate them.
Usual trumpy card rules apply, split the deck between however many of you there are, first person names a category, whoever has the highest score wins that round of cards. Oh for fucks sake, if you can’t play this game using whatever rules you learned as a kid, then you don’t deserve to play.

I look forward to seeing all your messages saying how much fun you had playing, or how by playing strip-bot trumps you ended up getting a damn good soapy titwank from your next door neighbour.

(Right then, Copyright nonsense. If I’ve trod on any legal shoes making these Bot Trumps, or using unauthorised pics or whatever, and you’re pissed off, let me know and I’ll remove stuff. Cheers)

Been a while, so before I get rambling on about whatever a few little post-it notes of continuity…

1. I’ve given up on the A-Z of Twitter. At least for the time being. I admit I have been struggling to stretch the thing out over 27 blogs, at least without repeating myself, contradicting myself or repeating myself. Might pick it back up once I’ve got a bit of mojo back.
2. Don’t bother going looking for my Big Brother blog expecting anything new. Like the program itself, there’s nothing of value there, no-one really cares and I lost interest very early on. Other blogs about reality tv are available. Probably. I’ve not looked to be honest.

Anyway, now all that nonsense is out of the way I might as well write something… er………


Back in a minute.

O is for Obvious Spambot.

See if you can spot the warning signs that shout “block me! I’m an evil tool of the hacker empire…” (might be best if you click it to make it bigger)

M is for Marmite.
…which is the easiest way to explain what Twitter is to most people.
I also like “its pointless, but so are blowjobs” and “at least I’m not getting poked every two bloody minutes”

N is for NoOb!
I’m sure you’ll have all seen new Twitter users, unsure what to do, showing the same panic as a man stuck in a cave full of bears, covered in honey. So here’s a quick guide that you can share with the Twitter virgins, busting their social networking hymen and making a big sticky mess on the bed of the internet…
1. Twitter allows you to send messages of up to 140 characters, there are tools that let you go over, eg. Twitlonger, but try not to get into bad habits. No-one will think any less of you if you abbreviated ‘because’ to ‘bcoz’ if it saves you going one letter over the limit.
2. Reply to people by typing ‘@username message’ if you only want that user and your mutual followers to see it; ‘message @username’ if you’re replying but want everyone to pay attention; don’t type a reply without using including the @username, because no-one will know what you’re on about.
3. To direct message someone type ‘D username message’ (note the lack of an @). When and why you use DMs is up to you, and ill probably go into it when I reach an appropriate letter in my A-Z.
4. Retweets – use this for sharing other users’ tweets with your followers, use a retweet with comment option if you want to add a comment at the end (dont just put LOL though) or if you want to share both sides of a conversation in the same tweet (for example, a question & answer).
5. Spam. Block and report them the second they pop up in your follower list. Yes, I know you want to get to 30 followers ASAP, but do you really want a follower whose only interest is selling you a penis extension? Maybe you do. I don’t though. Because I have a big Willy.
6. Brush your teeth twice a day.
7. Have fun, don’t take Twitter too seriously, and remember the ultimate rule of Twitter – “if you don’t follow @fudgecrumpet, then you don’t do Twitter properly.”

So, yeah, point new folk this way so they get off to a good start.
Oh, and easy way to spot a Twitter noob in real life – if they refer to themselves as ATusername, takes a good few months to get out of that habit…

F is for #ff.

It’s Friday. You’ve got a fair few followers who you think deserve a larger audience. What do you do? You do a #followfriday or #ff tweet for them. But wait! Everyone else on Twitter is doing the same! Crikey! How do you get your tweet noticed and your pals followed?

Do you get all your friends names in a big list and send it as one messy looking tweet? Y’know, like this…

#ff @fudgecrumpet @mrsfudgecrumpet @cagglefrap @splashman @stefano3 @thewillt @stueymac71 @treagie

…no, wait, no-one’s going to read that are they? It’s just a messy lump of non-words… How about doing this instead…

#ff @cagglefrap, he is dead cool and has a massive willy and is funny and has nice hair.

…yeah, that’s better, not only is it personal about that tweeter (my spare account for when I want to swear about Keith Chegwin, since he blocked my main account) but it also gives people a reason to follow. It’s much more likely to work and much less likely to look like you’re just randomly copying and pasting a list.

The number of #ff tweets one does is important too. Sure, just doing five or six of your favourites is going to annoy some of your casual pals, but isn’t that preferrable to doing a hundred and fifty people? No-one’s going to follow all of them, and you’re just gonna end up looking like a spammer. Also, on a more geeky moment, if you do more than 50 #ff tweets, you don’t count as a recommendation on various followfriday ranking sites and that’s no good for your mates if they wanna get the extra pimp that comes from that.

Oh, and keep your #ff tweets entertaining, then folk will read them. In my case, I just go balls out and make shit up. It works though, gets folk followed, and gets the conversation flowing as they try desperately to deny having a fourteen inch long penis. Oh, wait… no, i doubt they’d deny that. Well, unless they were a girl.

And one last thing on the subject, unless it’s a funny, entertaining or fantastic tweet, don’t go retweeting the #ff tweets you receive, even with ‘thanks’ tagged on the end. Makes you look like a right self-fellating pillock. Just saying.

Oh, and while we’re on the letter F (and because we briefly touched on self-fellating)…