Posts Tagged ‘alcohol’

Morning. It’s Monday and raining, so I’m sat in my van sulking. So what better time to write about the surprisingly big party I organised on Friday?

Yeah, it was alright I suppose.

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Hi. This is me from the future. Well, kind of. I’m still writing this in your past, but relative to most of this review I am in the future, with a fairly atrocious headache and infinite regrets. 

Anyway, past me got sent a bunch of beers from beer52.com to review. I don’t like beer and this morning I like it even less. In my 36 years and 11 months on this Earth, I have drank about 2/3 of a bottle of beer (1997, cheap stuff from Morrisons), and I didn’t finish it because it was horrible. 

Yet for some reason when the review site I visit has an assignment for beer52.com’s monthly subscription craft beer club, the voices in my head decided “ooh that might be a good idea, I could do it as some sort of ‘beginner’s guide to beer’ thing”. The voices in my head are always wrong and want me to suffer.

But, they sent me the beers, and I had literally nothing better to do because Gem was watching the Apprentice final, so here you go…

All bold and italic stuff was prepared beforehand. The rest is a direct copy and paste from my review notes. I apologise in advance.

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Hey you. Fancy meeting you here. You look terrible, would you like a glass of wine?
Oh noes! The wine bottle has a cork and I hurt my hand having a fight with an octopus, however will I get it open?
Ta da!

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Ignore the ghosts in the background.

This here is the Ozeri Electric Wine Opener, which is some kind of magic corkscrew from the future. Wooo.
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Hey there, how are you? Do anything you regretted last night? Of course you did.
Had too many boozes and ate a kebab made of animals that may or may not be Yaks? Yeah, I wouldn’t put it past you.
Cop off with that girl with the big wart that covers half of her left eye, accidentally calling her Mum as you grope her hairy buttocks? Yeah, twice in one week, and still you don’t call her.

Still it could be worse…
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Perhaps you went down a backstreet alley and got a tattoo of your best friend’s private parts on your tummy? Ok, maybe you didn’t go that far, but what if you did? Tattoos are all permanent and if they’re awful, well, you either have to get them covered up with the inky version of drawing rocket thrusters onto a cock and balls to make it look like a spaceship or…

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